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Ask the Matchmaker: He Didn’t Want a Commitment Before!

Suzanne Oshima - Matchmaker Dating Coach New YorkSuzanne K. Oshima
Matchmaker & Dating Coach at Dream Bachelor & Bachelorette
Founder of Single in Stilettos

Ask the Matchmaker!

Dear Suzanne,

What would be the best way to approach a situation where you’re wanting to rekindle something with someone who didn’t want commitment before?

I’ve seen other guys and none of them felt right or compared in chemistry. I really like this man and want this to go somewhere. He lives in Naniamo and I live in Victoria which is about 1 1/2 away, we were seeing each other for a short while, he waited for me while I went on a trip for a month to India.

When I came back he wanted to make me happy so he agreed to commitment but the title freaked him out so he ran (My mistake though trying to cuff him right before an all guys trip to Las Vegas with all of his single friends) In any case we ended. He’s very stubborn, so even if he realized he messed up with me he wouldn’t have tried to go after me.

We hadn’t spoken or seen each other in about 2 months, I reached out to him a couple days ago because I missed having him in my life, and figured at the very minimum we could try to be friends, he responded really quickly!

Since reconnecting a couple important circumstances have changed on both sides making things easier than before. The biggest was that he had a full time job as well as owned a company, which meant he worked 12-18 hour days. But has sold the company. He told me it was funny timing that I was reaching out to him now because of this, he would now be able to have a life and have more time for other things.

We’re starting to talk again regularly and both agreed to start over as friends (this didn’t last long) and see where things went. The narrative has changed back into flirty-relationship like conversations.

I guess I’m just wondering why he is even wanting to try again, since it was such a big issue before..? I’m hoping he’s not stupid enough to think I miraculously don’t want a commitment any more, but with men I can’t be sure.

I’m trying to be optimistic and hope that he still feels something for me or else he wouldn’t be talking to me again the way he is and I’m a little far to be any sort of convenient booty call.

He’s offered to come down and see me, so we can talk and catch up but I’m also wanting the upper hand this time. He’s obviously done some re-evaluating about life by selling his company and is now has time for a life, So how can I be in it? Any suggestions, advice would be great. Thanks!

~ Susan, 22

Dear Susan,

It’s important for you to take this one step at a time!

You haven’t seen him awhile, so you have no idea what he’s like now…he could be a completely different person, as a lot has changed in his life.  Which you may or may not like.

So, before you try to pin him down to a commitment, meet up with him and see if you like the person he’s changed into and that you want to be with for the long term.

Then start out slow and see how he’s feeling about you two together. Remember it’s not just about what you want, it’s about what he wants too. So, talk to him and find out what he wants and is looking for.

You may discover that he’s ready for a commitment, or you may soon discover that he’s exactly the same way he was and is not ready at all for anything serious still.

At that point, you will need to decide if you want to be with him, knowing how he feels.

One thing, I will tell you for certain…you can’t force a man into a commitment, he must want it on his own…or at some point, he will flee like he did before.

Remember, one step at a time!

Good Luck…let me know how it goes!


Matchmaker & Dating Coach at Dream Bachelor & Bachelorette
Founder of Single in Stilettos

by Suzanne Oshima

Suzanne K. Oshima is a Matchmaker, Dating Coach & Founder at Dream Bachelor & Bachelorette. She is also the Founder of Single in Stilettos, which gives women the best dating advice & tips to help them meet, attract & keep the one. Suzanne has been seen on Bravo TV, The Today Show, Good Afternoon America, Inside Edition, BBC Radio, Glamour Magazine, Men’s Health and much more!

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Experts seen on:
Bravo TVOprahToday ShowGMAGlamourInside Edition